It has been a year, Dad.

It has been a year, Dad – 365 days without you. The earth has been spinning without you for one year. It sucks living this way. I have kept myself busy, trying to deviate my mind to other things, or maybe it’s the brain that does this to help me go forward. I have been trying my best to do things that you would have wanted me to do.

I am trying to be a good son. Mom has become more sensitive since you left. However, she has shown far more courage than we expected her to, but I can see that she has become more and more dependent on me. I am hoping to give her a life that is as comfortable as possible. We are never going to be able to fill the void, but I will try. You will be happy to know Lanchi has been hands-on since you left. She checks in on me and Mom regularly. Shyam Ettan has been a great support to Lanchi.

Hari Uncle, Indu Chechi, and Ammu, as expected, have been the biggest support for Mom. You might already know that. We overcame the first month after you left only because of them. They continue to support Mom and love her like their own.

The first month was the hardest, Dad. When I landed in India, I had no idea how I was going to go through this. With the help of Hari Uncle, Indu Chechi, Ammu, Sudish, Rohil Uncle, and Sudha Aunty, somehow we all managed. We pitched in and supported each other and tried to go through the days. In fact, when coming back to Dubai, I felt really sad to leave them all and come back.

Mom was with me for 3 months in Dubai, Dad; we had a good time. I believe it was a welcome change for her. Me, Aswani, and Ammangli had our own little schedule here. Relaxed and tension-free, we go for a walk every day. We go to a restaurant or cafe nearby. It was simple but fun. That is another thing I am thankful for, Dad. The person I chose to spend my life with has been understanding of all this, and so were her parents. I completely believe that it is your charm that won them over. Thank you, Dad.

That said, it hasn’t been easy, Dad. The world is not too kind. You would be surprised to see how a lot of them reacted. Help came from least expected places. I have received ZERO consideration. I guess that has taught me an important lesson too. One thing I learned from you is that being considerate and loving is not something you do expecting the same in return. It is more for your own happiness and peace of mind.

And the whole journey of grief has been extremely hard. And it is a lot different during this digital time. I am not sure whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I have your pictures, videos, and audio notes. I keep listening to them over and over again. I am not sure whether it is helping me cope up with reality or whether it is messing my brain up. Because we as humans could never do this before. Not sure how my brain processes it. Because for the past few years, I have lived away from you, and we connect over calls. I hear your voice, and that is how my brain knows you are alive. Now, even though you are not here anymore, I still get to listen to you.

Facebook keeps reminding me, 'This time last year, you were here with your dad. Two years before, you did this with your dad.' I see how it’s a sweet gesture. But it breaks me every time I see them. And everything reminds me of you, Dad, from Paratha-Tomato Roast to Unarumee Ganam. You are always with me.

I still can’t believe it, Dad. When someone asks me about my whereabouts, I still say, 'My parents stay in Hyderabad.' Then I pause and realize. But I don’t change it though. I feel that somehow keeps you alive. After all, we live only in other people’s minds. That is something else this has taught me. The concept of 'You' is so abstract. You are alive in fragments in other people’s minds. Physical existence doesn’t matter. Whenever I meet someone close to you, I can still feel your presence.

I guess until those fragments are alive in people’s minds, you will always be alive for me. Everyone said you were an amazing human being, and that is what I will strive to become.